I have learnt over the years to be very wary of looking forward to things. So much so, that people would say I'm a pessimist. I would agree to an extent, but I also do it as a self protecting mechanism.
My first real experience of this was passing my driving test. It was the first time I was taking it and two weeks later I was scheduled to have the operation on my achilles tendon. If I failed the driving test, I wouldn't get to do another test for months after. I was so convinced I would fail that when the driving examinier annonced that I'd passesd, all I did was sigh loudly and put my head against the headrest in relief. Even my driving instructor who was waiting outside the car thought I'd failed going by my reaction. I protect myself so much that I can't even see the situations where I should be proud and celebrate!
A few years ago, I blogged about how happy I was to be going to Mexico to see a friend and have a holiday of a lifetime, only to blog a few days later to say that we couldn't go due to the huge ash cloud sitting over Europe. I'm sure a lot of you remember only too well too.
And so it strikes again. I was really happy in my last post to say I was going home and I was going to do a 5km race. In fact, we were going back to the UK to collect my parents as they were going to spend a month in France with us. They came for the first time this time last year for 2 weeks and absolutely loved it. We'd be planning it for so long and everyone was very excited, planning and organising.
My mum rang me 2 days before we were driving back to the UK to say my Dad was in hospital and that they wouldn't be coming after all. I was a total wreck on the drive home 2 days later. I spent the next 4 days ruled by visiting hours in the hospital and witnessing horrible scenes. We had to come back to France on the Monday and needless to say it was a heart wrenching, tear filled, sobbing 7 hour drive.
Dad came out of hospital a week later and is now at home. It was pretty ugly at a point but he is getting better although due to his continung poor health, he will never fully 'recover'. Sometimes you just have to be happy with the basics in life.
I have been a misery for 2 weeks since all this happened and I've lost weight (funny for someone who thought it was impossible to lose weight - hell, I've tried and failed before) I'm not sleeping well, I have spots (I never have spots) and all this time I have terrible guilt that I can't be there with them. My Dad feels bad that he's caused trouble for everyone and mum feels awful that she hasn't been able to come to France and help me. She hates that I'm on my own in France and that she can't help me out like most Mums do with their daughters.
All in all, it's been a pretty terrible 2 weeks. I don't like to get excited about things or talk about them (on my blog) just in case they don't work out. I don't like talking about my personal problems either. In fact, I don't like sharing too much of my life or putting photos at all on this blog because of people who have hurt me so bad in the past and I don't want them to find this blog.
In fact, I am wondering why I have a blog at all today.