Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Don't speak too soon

I have learnt over the years to be very wary of looking forward to things.  So much so, that people would say I'm a pessimist.  I would agree to an extent, but I also do it as a self protecting mechanism.

My first real experience of this was passing my driving test.  It was the first time I was taking it and two weeks later I was scheduled to have the operation on my achilles tendon. If I failed the driving test, I wouldn't get to do another test for months after.  I was so convinced I would fail that when the driving examinier annonced that I'd passesd, all I did was sigh loudly and put my head against the headrest in relief.  Even my driving instructor who was waiting outside the car thought I'd failed going by my reaction.  I protect myself so much that I can't even see the situations where I should be proud and celebrate!

A few years ago, I blogged about how happy I was to be going to Mexico to see a friend and have a holiday of a lifetime, only to blog a few days later to say that we couldn't go due to the huge ash cloud sitting over Europe.  I'm sure a lot of you remember only too well too.

And so it strikes again.  I was really happy in my last post to say I was going home and I was going to do a 5km race.  In fact, we were going back to the UK to collect my parents as they were going to spend a month in France with us.  They came for the first time this time last year for 2 weeks and absolutely loved it.  We'd be planning it for so long and everyone was very excited, planning and organising.

My mum rang me 2 days before we were driving back to the UK to say my Dad was in hospital and that they wouldn't be coming after all.  I was a total wreck on the drive home 2 days later.  I spent the next 4 days ruled by visiting hours in the hospital and witnessing horrible scenes.  We had to come back to France on the Monday and needless to say it was a heart wrenching, tear filled, sobbing 7 hour drive. 

Dad came out of hospital a week later and is now at home.  It was pretty ugly at a point but he is getting better although due to his continung poor health, he will never fully 'recover'.  Sometimes you just have to be happy with the basics in life.

I have been a misery for 2 weeks since all this happened and I've lost weight (funny for someone who thought it was impossible to lose weight - hell, I've tried and failed before) I'm not sleeping well, I have spots (I never have spots) and all this time I have terrible guilt that I can't be there with them.  My Dad feels bad that he's caused trouble for everyone and mum feels awful that she hasn't been able to come to France and help me.  She hates that I'm on my own in France and that she can't help me out like most Mums do with their daughters.

All in all, it's been a pretty terrible 2 weeks.  I don't like to get excited about things or talk about them (on my blog) just in case they don't work out.  I don't like talking about my personal problems either.  In fact, I don't like sharing too much of my life or putting photos at all on this blog because of people who have hurt me so bad in the past and I don't want them to find this blog.

In fact, I am wondering why I have a blog at all today.


Ksam said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's poor health! And now you're back here in France far from your family. :(

As far as blogging goes, I still believe they can be a great support mechanism....but I understand everyone is not an over-sharer like I am. But maybe that's the good thing about blogging - there is no one "right" way to do it, your blog can fill what ever purpose you need it to fill.

Crystal said...

Aww Emma, I'm so sorry to read this :( I hope your Dad is doing well and that you aren't letting yourself feel guilty. It's hard, I know, but it's something we have to accept and work through as ex-pats. Your parents will come visit you as soon as they can...don't think of their trip as being cancelled, but more just postponed...

Sending hugs xoxo

Canedolia said...

This has got to be the hardest thing about living abroad. I like to remind myself, though, that France isn't as far away as all that. My little brother is still in the UK but his train journey back to my parents' is only an hour shorter than mine. It's a fact of life that everybody is living further from their families than they used to.

I hope your dad is getting better as fast as possible. Take care.

Andromeda said...

I just saw your comment, I'm so sorry things are so hard at the moment. Support is there when you need it, from J, from other bloggers, from friends and colleagues you never expected to care. But don't feel guilty about living your life here. (Grand)parents love to see their offspring do so much more than they ever could, to be happy no matter where that takes them. While it's hard to be far, being closer doesn't mean bad things will never happen. It sucks big time when they do happen, and we all feel your pain with you, so don't let the fear of more pain keep you from sharing when you feel like you need to.

Amber said...

So sorry to hear about your dad, Emma. Would love to see you, either coming to yours or having you here if I can help you take your mind off of things. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you. xx

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